I knew I was going to kiss someone that night.
Not any kiss
But my first kiss
I kept on telling everyone I have personal space issues and I need to be tipsy to let someone in.
(Which I do.)
There they were already lined up
Eeny-meeny… oh I choose you.
If I was sober, my heart would be racing, my skin would crawl and I would dare let you touch me.
He then told me that he waited three times for me to kiss him.
Me? What?
I can’t remember your face right now, I hope I someday will.
I know you had a beard and a good haircut.
I left, wanting to stay. But I knew I wouldn’t get willing participants soon.
But I found you again. Whispered things in your ear
“Well then, why don’t you just kiss me…”
And it was like magnets drawing together
Your lips on mine and without fail your tongue in my mouth and suddenly mine in yours.
It was a dance
And you took the lead
This time I didn’t overthink it.
We kissed, stopped, and…
I told you I really needed to go
(I didn’t want to.)
You held onto me and I wanted to drink you in.
(I wanted to kiss you more.)
I left.
All I want to do now is kiss you
But I’m struggling to recall your face, I get glimpses.
I went to sleep feeling your tongue pressed against mine
1. Fall in love.
Fall slowly
Fall gently
Fall until you hear the splat on the concrete floor
Remember: Falling is not always a requirement.
2. Repeat their name
Repeat it until you believe it
Repeat it because you need to believe it
Repeat it until it sounds gibberish
Repeat it until your mouth bleeds
Remember: only one person is required to do this
3. Spend time thinking of them
Spend all your time
Spend most of your time
Spend some of your time
Spend time thinking of them and their lips, their eyes, their hands, the way they laugh
Remember: Time spent thinking will not be refunded.
4. Worry
Worry about them
Worry what they think
Worry if they’re still in to you
Just fucking worry.
Remember: if you’re not worrying, do you really care?
5. Try not to cry
Try not to overthink it
Reminder: crying only shows that you were invested in it.
6. Mess it all up
Mess it all up by confronting them
Mess it all up by making a joke
Mess it up
You’re always the mess
Reminder: only one party will take the blame
7. Crumble
Make apple crumble
Walk through crumbling walls
Break down, cry, rebuild your walls.
Reminder: too much apple crumble is unhealthy
8. Break your heart
Break it down and place it in a fortress
Break it and be the mess
Break it and worry about everyone else but yourself
Place your heart on a timer to self destruct
Break into sweat repeatedly about that moment
Break your heart in the same leap you took to fall
Reminder: heart break is not serviceable under the guarantee.
Just a simple reminder to myself as I fall in love with a friend.
They got inside of us and made us bleed
While we tore at each others throats
Clinging on to a hope that didn’t exist
We never saw them climb inside
We became them
Or did they become us?
Our hands leaving trails of red
Taking down those around us
We turned into rivers
Running black
Leaving a bitter taste in mouths that never knew us
We then became mountains
Crushing those in our way
With frost tipped peaks, veins of red and black running through us
We came undone
Then twinning into everything
Taking everything that was not ours
Were we still us?
Or was it them?
They made us bleed before birthing them
They looked like us
But we were them
Before we became them
You’re a story I no longer want to tell. You’re words I no longer want to speak, I no longer want to burn on my tongue. You’re thoughts I no longer want to think. You’re a voice I no longer want to listen to. You’re no longer the path I want to walk on and you’re no longer the person I will cut myself open for every night, trying so hard to please you, trying so hard to be exactly who you want me to be. I will no longer bleed for you. Never again.
1. Fall in love.
Fall slowly
Fall gently
Fall until you hear the splat on the concrete floor
Remember: Falling is not always a requirement.
2. Repeat their name
Repeat it until you believe it
Repeat it because you need to believe it
Repeat it until it sounds gibberish
Repeat it until your mouth bleeds
Remember: only one person is required to do this
3. Spend time thinking of them
Spend all your time
Spend most of your time
Spend some of your time
Spend time thinking of them and their lips, their eyes, their hands, the way they laugh
Remember: Time spent thinking will not be refunded.
4. Worry
Worry about them
Worry what they think
Worry if they’re still in to you
Just fucking worry.
Remember: if you’re not worrying, do you really care?
5. Try not to cry
Try not to overthink it
Reminder: crying only shows that you were invested in it.
6. Mess it all up
Mess it all up by confronting them
Mess it all up by making a joke
Mess it up
You’re always the mess
Reminder: only one party will take the blame
7. Crumble
Make apple crumble
Walk through crumbling walls
Break down, cry, rebuild your walls.
Reminder: too much apple crumble is unhealthy
8. Break your heart
Break it down and place it in a fortress
Break it and be the mess
Break it and worry about everyone else but yourself
Place your heart on a timer to self destruct
Break into sweat repeatedly about that moment
Break your heart in the same leap you took to fall
Reminder: heart break is not serviceable under the guarantee.
